” If you think sharing a secret would cause unnecessary harm to someone, that’s a good reason to keep it to yourself. You may have to suffer the burden of it, but it’s better than making others suffer, too. To better understand the harms of secrecy, my colleagues and I first set out to understand what secrets people keep, and how often they keep them. We found that 97 percent of people have at least one secret at any given moment, and people have, on average, 13 secrets. A survey of more than 5,000 people found that common secrets include preferences, desires, issues surrounding relationships and sex, cheating, infidelity and violations of others’ trust. The concept of secrecy might evoke an image of two people in conversation, with one person actively concealing from the other.

Keeping Secrets to Prevent Harm to Ourselves

Some common synonyms of secretive are reserved, reticent, silent, and taciturn. When inflation is high, the Bank tends to hold or increase interest rates to encourage people to save rather than spend, which can help bring it down. In recent months, mortgage rates have started to creep down, with two-year fixed rates hitting an average of less than 5% for the first time since 2022 last week. Homebuyers have been warned that mortgage rate cuts could slow down or go into reverse entirely given today’s inflation data. “If it is optional, you have the choice not to pay and you should not feel bad about this… It does, of course, give you the chance to pay a tip via the tips jar.”

The Brain on Secrets: A Neurological Rollercoaster

It is important to note that not all secrets are harmful, and some may be kept undisclosed out of a desire to protect the other person or maintain privacy. However, as much as possible, open and honest communication is what fosters trust and understanding in healthy relationships. We are best able to bond with others when we can show our authentic selves, without the shadow of a dark secret looming over us.

The mental toll of secrecy

  • She completed her master’s degree in clinical psychology at Erasmus University Rotterdam in the Netherlands.
  • Take the first step toward emotional wellness and consider the power of transparency in your life.
  • Instead, our distress lies in repeatedly thinking about info we’re trying to conceal.
  • Ethical dilemmas like this are central to understanding how secrets shape decision-making and behavior.
  • Throughout our day-to-day interactions, there are times when we might choose to keep certain information to ourselves.
  • Keeping a secret can cause stress and anxiety, and even depression.

Such intention is distinguished from general privacy orientation. For example, you may want to keep the details of your sex life private, but the fact that you are sexually active is no secret. I think we hold secrets back for the right reasons sometimes. And that matched exactly what I was finding in my research at the time, that the hard part of having a secret doesn’t seem to be those moments when we’re in conversation.

The Secret Is Changing Your Relationships

  • Indeed, revealing this information would be harmful not only to me but also to the person the information was about.
  • The more immoral we feel our secrets are, the less likely we’ll share them with others.
  • If the secret drags on your well-being, even just occasionally, take a close look at that hurt, and try your best to understand it.
  • “HMRC accepts that a payment is a voluntary service charge if it is clearly presented to the customer as an entirely optional payment,” it says.
  • Instead, it’s the fact that we tend to ruminate on our secrets.

So, remember, it is okay to have secrets, but make sure to share your secrets with the people you trust when you feel you need to. The second way secrets can affect us is that they can fill up our minds so that we think of them even when we are not around the people or things involved. For example, when you pass a restaurant with colorful lights, it can remind you of the special table lamp, making you feel guilty and ashamed again.

If this is a one-time issue and it’s not going to come up again, there are folks who would advise you to say, yeah, don’t reveal it because this is not some larger problem. Another example is sometimes it’s just too soon to reveal something, but like a week later, it’s better to reveal it then. And so, maybe it’s something you could only keep temporarily secret.

When you have to hide something significant, it becomes harder to connect with others authentically. You might find yourself pulling away from close relationships out of fear of letting something slip. Every time you think about a deeply held secret, stress hormones such as cortisol can surge, impacting your memory, blood pressure, gastrointestinal tract and metabolism.

For example, you may not reveal you voted for Biden when having Thanksgiving dinner with your conservative family; or you may not reveal to your spouse that you were molested as a child and don’t enjoy sex. That’s because we all have inner thoughts and feelings that either are not worth sharing with others or would hurt us or another person if they were revealed. However, secrets high on the other two dimensions are less likely to lead to psychological harm.

what happens when you keep secrets

Confiding works best when the confidant is compassionate, assertive, has a similar set of morals, and will not become overly burdened by the secret. I did take some comfort in the what happens when you keep secrets fact that you found that secrets tend to impact all of us in very similar ways, right? No matter where we’re from, whether the South or the North or America or somewhere else. That leads to insecurity and that wastes an enormous amount of precious attention and presence in your life.

Why reveal a secret

Sarah fails to realize how destructive her secret shopping is to their relationship. Recognizing that keeping a secret can weigh you down is the first step toward relief. Journaling or self-reflection can help identify the secret’s emotional impact.

Try these insights to avoid harm.

Instead, our distress lies in repeatedly thinking about info we’re trying to conceal. The Columbia researchers, for instance, found that people who spent more time ruminating about their secrets tended to experience worse physical and emotional well-being. Keeping secrets might seem like a harmless act, a way to protect ourselves or others from uncomfortable truths. However, the truth is, hiding something can take a significant toll on mental health. Whether it’s a personal secret, a work-related matter, or something you’re trying to shield your loved ones from, the emotional weight can be more than you realize.

We loved being a part of the scientific process and learning about what secret-keeping does to our minds and bodies. She graduated from the research track of the clinical psychology master’s program at Erasmus University Rotterdam in the Netherlands. Her research interests include personality, trauma, and integrative psychotherapy approaches. In her free time, she enjoys climbing, reading books, and going to concerts. Laura Blomqvist works as a psychological practitioner in the UK.